Five Reasons Why the Bill Engvall Show Is the Downfall of Humaity

Ok, so who remembers the Blue Collar 'Comedy' Tour? You remember, it had that douche bag Larry the Cable Guy, the notoriously unfunny Jeff Foxworthy, the occasionally mildly amusing fat guy with the gin, and last-but-possibly-least-funny, Bill Engvall. For some reason, TBS (home to actual funny shows, The Office and Family Guy) gave Engvall a sitcom. Here are my top five reasons why this is a damned awful idea:
1.
Bill Engvall is not funny. He's just not. Sit through one of his stand up routines, I dare you.
2. imdb.com suggests that if you enjoy this show, you may also like the CW's Everybody Hates Chris. There is a good fucking reason everyone hates Chris. He's one of those douche bags who thinks he is hilarious, when he is in fact not.
3. On IMdb's Message board for this show, the only supporters names that I've seen so far are names like xkewleox and wellarticulatedmonkey. Get it? That's like, a hip new way to spell "Coolio," a famous rapper, which is cool and clever. Likewise, wellarticulatedmonkey is a clever little joke, because human beings are basically nothing more than well articulated monkeys. Except, we're fucking human beings, not goddamned monkeys.
4.
Need I say more? Yes. This classic prankster approach to humor is about as effective as UN sanctions in North Korea, a Republican president, or (insert political jibe here). What I'm trying to say is, it didn't even provoke a giggle.
5. At some point, Bill's good pals, Larry the Shitty Cable Guy and Jeff NotfuckingfunnyFoxworthy will probably contribute some jokes to the show. If ever there was a better reason for a show to tank, my brain would not be able to compute it.

Green Porno

Global terror, a historical race for the presidency, and an increasingly awful situation in the way of diplomatic relations with virtually every other country on Earth. That's the sort of thing I should read about when I visit CNN.com, right? Well, it's not. Instead, I'm reading about 'green porno.' Sounds awesome, right? I don't know why it's green, but as long as it is porno, we're good. Wait though, let's look into that 'green' part first. You never know, it could be some super freaky stuff, like maybe fecal fetish or chicks peeing on each other, right? Or maybe it's that chick from 'Alias' having make-believe sex with cardboard bugs, while dressing up as that particular cardboard bug's partner and playing the role of either (or both simultaneously) genders. Oh yeah, THAT's what green porno is!
No-fucking-way. Seriously?
Actress Isabella Rossellini has begun work on her new project, a series of short films set to air on the Sundance channel, about bug sex. (http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/TV/05/05/isabella.rossellini/index.html) Apparently, she thinks that the viewers of the Sundance channel are interested in learning how the insects around them get their rocks off, and has made it her mission to educate us all. With porn. Of course, that's how you learn about normal sex too, right? So I guess it makes sense.
I'm of the school of thought that bug porn is a sin that could have you condemned to some sort of insufferable horrors in the afterlife. What sort of horrors? I can only speculate:
1) You'll have to relive the moment when walking into the office breakroom, right after your supervisor told everybody about that weird fucking bug porn he caught you scoping out in your cubicle.
2) You could be forced to watch Hinder play live shows continuously for the rest of eternity.
3) You could be reincarnated as Anne Coulter.
4) You could be sodomized for all eternity by Anne Coulter.
5) You could be dunked into a vat of boiling baby blood for five minutes, every ten minutes. (Baby blood personally extracted by Anne Coulter.)

One more thing, just to add a little more to the creepy factor, Rossellini's son co-stars in the film about bee sex.